Rob and Akiva Need a Podcast (To Get Akiva out of Prison)

Rob and Akiva Need a Podcast (To get Akiva out of Prison)

Interior: Prison Visiting Room

“Did you do it?” Rob asked. It actually hurt to ask the question, but he needed to.

“I swear I didn’t!” Akiva exclaimed banging his hands on the table.

“Please,” Rob said. “Keep your hands off the table.” Rob adjusted the microphone situated between him and Akiva. “I have to ask the question, Keev. You need this podcast, Akiva, if you’re ever going to get out of here, your only chance is to Serial this situation.”

“I know,” Akiva said. “But I swear it wasn’t me. I liked Josh Wiggler. We were sort of friends. We made fun of T-Dub together? Has anyone questioned T-Dub?

“He’s got an airtight alibi,” Rob said. “He was at an Avatar marathon.”

“Marathon? There’s only one movie.”

“Yeah, but it’s a long movie.”

“True.”

“Akiva,” Rob starts, “it really doesn’t look good. You were covered in Josh’s blood.”

“I was trying to check his vitals!”

“Why would you do that? You’re not a doctor. You don’t even know how to check someone’s vitals.”

“I know,” Akiva said. “Believe me I’ve run through that night in my head so many times. It torments me almost as much as the Seinfeld finale torments me.”

A guard approaches, and nods to Rob.

“I’m sorry Akiva, I have to go. We’ll finish up recording the episode next time.”

Interior: Akiva’s Prison Cell

Akiva lay on the bed. His stomach grumbled. He had gone without eating again, because the prison slop wasn’t kosher.

“Kiva, you’ve got a new cellmate! Meet Hanz.”

Akiva looked up to see a 6 and a half feet tall white guy with a shaved head. His body was covered with tattoos. Most of them were swastikas.

“Oh no.”

Interior: The Cesternino Living Room

Rob turned on the TV. He had a notebook in hand, and he was ready to take notes. On the screen the narrator’s voice broke into troubled thoughts.

“Previously on Biiiig Brother!”

“Dad, can we watch Ryan’s Toy Review?”

“Not now, Anthony.”

“Can we play Dinosaurs!”

“How do you play Dinosaurs?”

“Not the mama!”

Rob’s younger son’s fist suddenly popped out, smashing Rob’s groin.. Rob began writhing in agony.  On the other side of the room, Nicole burst out laughing.

“Anthony, don’t punch your dad in the balls,” Nicole said between her giggles. “Although that was good form.”

“Good form?” Rob exclaimed. “Nicole, you’re encouraging him!”

“Don’t raise your voice at me!”

Rob decided it wasn’t worth it to argue, and pulled himself back together. On screen, he saw that the Big Brother houseguests were standing on small ledges on a leaning wall. They were being pelted by balls that would explode with paint upon impact. The scene cut to a Diary Room session to the lesbian houseguest.

“I’m not used to getting hit in the face with balls.”

Rob couldn’t help himself from grinning. Nicole gave another juvenile giggle. 

“But no matter what I’m not giving up, no matter…”

The screen cut back, to the houseguest suddenly tripping and falling from her perch. There was some goofy sound effect that accompanied the fall. Rob rolled his eyes. They had beat that joke to death. He went back to taking notes.

Youtube Screen:

“Coming to you live, from my apartment! It’s Rob has a Podcast! And now, here’s the guy who’s also not used to getting hit in the face with balls, I’m Rob Cesternino, and welcome back to the show. With me tonight is Brent, how are you.”

Rob had to admit that he was on auto pilot tonight. His thoughts were too scattered to really focus on Brent’s ranting about the various hgs he was beefing with on Twitter, or Melissa making salient game points. He got in a few good ball jokes, but they were mostly recycled material from his Survivor podcasts.

“And just a reminder to the audience, that Taran won’t be doing tomorrow’s morning update, so I’ll be taking over.”

Wait. What?

“Why isn’t Taran doing the update?” Rob asked.

“Didn’t you get his email?” Brent asked. “He has a family emergency.”

Well that would cause problems with the Big Brother coverage. Rob immediately felt guilty about the thought. This family emergency must be serious if Taran was missing a morning update.

Interior: Prison Visiting Room

“You look terrible Keev. Have you been sleeping?

“I have to sleep with one eye open because of Hanz.”

“But what would you do if Hanz decided to attack you? Even if you were awake.”

“That’s a good point.”

“Yeah, I mean either way, Hans could crush you. Might as well get a good night’s sleep.”

Akiva seemed sullen. Rob decided to move on.

“Anyways, let’s go over why you were in the room. It was a coatroom. You didn’t even wear a coat.”

“I was trying to get yours.”

“Why?”

“Well you were so nice inviting me to the Survivor Finale with you. I thought I’d grab your coat while you were interviewing Tom Palmer about his recent Survivor win.”

“It was a good interview.”

“He played a fantastic game.”

“Probably the best winner ever. And he didn’t even need idols.”

“And then Sia gave him the extra 100k because she liked him so much. Crazy. Anyways, I was so thankful that you invited me to the finale instead of Taran Armstrong, that I thought I’d be nice and get your jacket.”

“Well Taran isn’t really a partier anyways, and you were in the states. I thought I’d at least ask.”

“Just goes to show that leaving my house is always a terrible decision.”

Exterior Prison

As Rob was walking to his car, he suddenly stopped as he had a sudden epiphany. How could he not have seen it until now? He pulled out his phone and dialed a number. A familiar voice answered.

“It was you wasn’t it.”

Taran’s voice answered.

“I’m surprised it took you so long. How did you figure it out?”

“Missing a morning update? I knew something was up.”

“Too busy getting out of town to update the audience on the latest strategy talk, not that there’s any this season. Its just all showmances and lying around.”

“What made you do it, Taran? Why kill Josh Wiggler? He’s so loveable! Did you just hate the Wandoff?”

“No that’s not it. I love the Wandoff. Everyone does. If anything its Too Beloved.”

“Then why Taran?”

“It wasn’t about killing Josh Wiggler. You were supposed to take the blame. Your coat was the one in that room. I thought you would go get it, and be caught, and then you’d be arrested.”

“But why? Was it because I took Akiva to the finale instead of you.”

“That was what made me realize, you don’t appreciate me enough. ME. The guy who does morning live feed updates EVERY MORNING. Do you know how hard that is? I’ve spent years of my life watching insta models RUIN the game I love. All for ROB has a podcast. ROB has a podcast. Well enough. If I’m going to continue, I’m not going to do it for anyone but me! I’m going to start TARAN HAS A PODCAST!! And I’m going to bring you down!”

Rob silently cursed to himself. Looks like another live feed correspondent had gone off the deep end. Ugh. Taran was going to be hard to replace. Should he do another “So You Think You Can Podcast” competition?

TO BE CONTINUED